Trying to be funny

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret
Good evening fellow toastmasters, ladies and gentlemen.
It is said, “Love is Blind.” – That’s absolutely true, but marriage is an eye-opener.
I have been in love with this person for the past 10 years. She is smart, beautiful, fun...Aihahyoh, if my wife finds out, she is going to “Kill Me!”. My Wife – the letters stand for Worries Inherited For Eternity. Most of my Uncles and Aunties tell me that, “My boy, you are incomplete until you get married.” So I thought, then I am totally finished. Marriage is not a word – It is a sentence – a life sentence .
Marrying my wife is very much like a violin: after the sweet music is over, the strings are still attached.
Upon my engagement, i went up to my father and said," appa! I've found a woman just like amma"
he replied, "So what do you want? sympathy?"
There was a time, i went to a house to see a man on his dying bed and asked “why did you die, why did you die” and someone asked me, who is he.I said ,” i never knew him, he was my wife’s ex-husband, Why did you die”
When I first Knew my wife she was 36-24-26 and today, she still is 36-24-36, her Forearms, her neck and her thunderous thighs. I have to take 3 steps back just to see the whole of her.
When i use to hold my wife’s hand, before marriage it is love- but now it seems more as self-defence
When we were young, in our courting stages, we use to go to exotic places in Singapore like East coast park and Night safari, people use to take pictures with us. My wife use to whisper sweet nothing into my ear, I am sorry, she whispers nothing sweet into my ear. She is very poetic and descriptive. One of the things she told spoke to me, ”Oh baby! You are dark and Handsome – Only when it is dark you are handsome”.
There were times that we will get into a romantic poetic mood. I will recite to her my poem “ Roses are red violets are blue, the smell of the toilet reminds me of you” and immediately she comes back with “Roses are red, Violets are Blue, Umerellas get lost so why don’t you”
Once she came home and told me, “Honey, I have water in the carburettor of my car”. “you have what” “Baby, I have water in the carburettor of my car” “ you silly girl, you don’t even know what a carburettor is” “ why is it the man don’t listen to the women in their life especially their wives” “Ok bright spark, how do you know you have got water in the carburettor of your car” “because i drove the car into the swimming pool”
There was another time my son asked me once, "appa, how much does it cost to get married?"
I replied, "I don't know pahpu, I'm still paying."
When a man steals my wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.